Absinthe

I didnt even hallucinate

I didn't go straight to being a manically bored world explorer.
I tried different things, I tried busing tables in England, I worked concierge at a hotel in India, I even bar tended  in Spain.  I would always try and make a new image of myself wherever in went.  Trying to change the parts of me I did not like.  I had a particularly interesting time at a bar  in Madrid.  I would just pretend to be the most mysterious and interesting person I could imagine. 

I would just travel around, changing myself, trying to find the right combination.  I still haven't.  Which I think is why I'm still traveling.  Is there a perfect combination out there?  I am ask that a lot.

When you pretend to be something you are not, you can learn a lot about yourself.  When you put fake thoughts or words into your own mind, you begin to see where the real comes from subconsciously.  You begin to recognize your actual motives and eventually, you make peace with that. 
I do not pretend anymore.  I did not find the perfect combination and I do not think I will.  Honestly, humans are not perfect, I doubt we are supposed to know the perfect way to be. 

Sidewalk

This wasn't the first place I stopped.  To get this far away from where you started, you must undertake quite a journey. 

idyllic islands, shabby settlements, and crowded cities

You will even meet people along the way.  Some you wish you could bring with you, others you will add to the long list of people to avoid. 
A map of connections that ever spreading out from your central path begins to look like the branches of a tree.  Like in Deleuze and Guattari, my story is made of "variously formed matters."  Everything that is done, or seen, or experienced, influences the outcome and is connected to the outcome.  Its not just a trip, it might become a growing experience.  An enlightening experience.  Peace is worth it.  Bettering yourself is worth it.  I am better for it, I have traveled through the madness of the unknown world. Now, I have arrived at my peace.  At my solitude. 

Traveling, looking for peace, you may find yourself in the heart of the confusion.  Searching through foreign lands with foreign people for a way out, and eventually finding it.  To others it may be home, but on your journey, it is another experience that you make you appreciate the destination more. 

escape

"faithless is he who says farewell when a road darkens."
-JRR Tolkien

   We, as a race, are split in two when it comes to adventure.  People say that adventure is good.  Thats how things are discovered, how changes are made, where progress can stem from.  Those same people are bound to say that adventure is great, but not today.  i don't have time

   People should get lost more often.  You can find yourself out there.  If you have done all you can do in the world you live in, leave that world, and work on yourself.  Get lost.  You might find something.  I have been lost now for a while.  I left my home, my comfort, my daily grind.  I came here to get away from people, but I ended up getting away from everything.  Ive made a new life.

new day over the Congo

   Adventure isn't as dangerous as it sounds in books or movies.  There is no horror at the down the river.  Natives aren't lurking behind every tree waiting to put a spear in your chest.  Joseph Conrad was right about one thing though, you will be different once you reach the Heart of Darkness.  But that's not always a bad thing. 
             I came to escape.  And I found escape. 

Rivet

There used to be hope.  I had such plans.  We were told we could be anything, so why do some people pick being sad?  How do some people get lucky and pick happiness?

I used to enjoy the city.  I was a baron.  A master of the universe.  I snapped my fingers and industry would grind, and pour, and stamp.  I was born there in that world.  Either it was designed for me, or I for it.  I couldn't say which ones the truth.  I loved it.  I was making something.  It wasn't always an important something, sometimes just the piece of metal that holds something bigger in place. 

If the rivet in the floor of a locomotive isn't there, the engineer can still steam along the track as usual.  When I came here, I learned that I am a rivet.  A small part of a whole, that can continue steaming along without even noticing that I have fallen onto the tracks. 

I fell onto the tracks and found that I am not alone here.  I see the path differently now.  I doesnt lead anywhere anymore.  The very foundation that the machine runs on, is made up of pieces that have fallen off.  I am not longer a part of that society, I did my part, then made my exit.

I'm a spent firework, but at least I've been a firework. -David Mitchell

Lake

I have come to the edge of the world. I was sent here by forces greater than my control.  However, not every string is being pulled by someone else.  Now that this place is a reality, I have a say in what happens. 

Its been a while since I've been happy.  But today, for the first time in my life, I was 500 miles from the closest television.  Its not much, but its a start.  People have forgotten what is was like to be alone with themselves. 

The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness. -Fyodor Dostoevsky

The source was located.  It was distraction.  Distraction from whats staring you in the face.  Life.  Hate. Beauty. Pain. Love. Death.   Things that can't be ignored.

Now here is the biggest lake in the world.  The cliff spreads from my boots down 1000 feet. Then the water, calm, spreads to the horizon where, if the sun catches it right, you can see snowy cloud crowned mountains.  If you had told me that this was the edge of our natural world, I'd have believed you at that moment. There is nothing here.  I built something.  A trivial pile of rocks.  A marker.  Just to show I was here with the nothingness. 

Who's to say its not the edge?  Its the edge for me.  For now.  If I leave, I will fall off, and I dont think I'll be able to climb back up. 

Test First Post

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